My thoughts while i’m in a bus…
My thoughts while I’m in a bus.
In penang, I’ve been taking a lot of busses, due to the fact that I don’t have a car here. Sure a class mate of mine (James) would give me a ride once in a while, but I still take a lot of busses. But it wasn’t until the time I took the bus from Manjung back to Penang that I started thinking about this… and the funny thing is I’ve been thinking about it EVERYTIME I get on the bus.
My first thoughts were of course of my friends and family. I pray for them everyday according to my version of the rosaries. The first three beads after the cross are for my dad, mom and sis. Then I start praying all around. For Church… I pray that the ministries will prosper. For random things and people I feel the burden to pray for like my friends I made in Doulos, or the little children in Cambodia, or the lost souls in the metropolises. For BB I pray the longest. I pray that this joyous year will not be undermined for simple celebrations, but a true time of thanksgiving for God’s faithfulness, and to be a shining light to others, that those who are lost in the dark may come back to the truth that is through Jesus Christ.
My next thoughts were about my future… pastors don’t get paid well. It’s an underlining fact, no lies about it. Ask a pastor if he gets paid well he’ll either laugh or he’ll say it’s enough, or if he’s really holy, “the Lord provideth”… and why not? I don’t mind low pay, I have rather small desires… heck my handphone had to be given to me that I may change from my legendary thief whooping Nokia 3315. So I just continue to pray that whatever God gives me, and wherever God takes me, I’ll be satisfied and well provided according to His will.
This brings me to my next thought, and this takes a long time for me to calm down from… Is in His will for me to marry and have a family of my own? I start to pray and seek for an answer because I want to know. The verse that always come to me is that if I live in the life the Lord wants me to be, He will give me my hearts desire…
I’ll be honest to you guys, because it is both my weakness and my reason to get married… I do not wish to uphold celibacy. I know in my heart that if I remain single, I can do stupid things, and breaking it is a possibility. Jesus said, the moment you think of your kindred in an unruly and lustful manner, it is LIKE committing adultery already. From this, I confess that I am adulterous.
It’s not that I think of women as mere sex tools to give me pleasure, a trigger for the shot of oblivion. “Pleasure in marriage is the benefit of a responsibility of a lifetime that is marriage.” I FIRMLY believe in marriage, and sex only for the married.
Instead, I rather think of a woman as a beautiful creation of God, more than man… If we think God made a lot of effort on man, look at the woman. He took one of man’s ribs AND mould her with His bare hands! God certainly made a lot of effort ! I can relate to the literal description of Solomon’s Songs, because women, never say how ugly you are or what needs to be fixed, but how beautifully and wonderfully made you are.
I also find the symbolism of God and the Church coming together in marriage to create a new Jerusalem is such a beautiful thing, therefore marriage and sex and kids as beautiful symbols of a new generation that is for God, like Jerusalem.
You may call me a prick, a pervert, a romantist, I don’t care… the one thing I cannot be (i think) is single… YET…
I think of the girls and women of today… so ambitious, high in standards, demanding a life worth living in independence, and how marriage is actually an optional upgrade. Doctors get married due to their success in their lifestyles and careers… sure some or more of them get divorced after, but the point is they had the option to get married in the first place…
Who would marry a young (God Willing) pastor, whose pay in five years of his life would be a secular working girl’s first pay-cheque? Now I did say and will continue to say, that it is enough for me… but it wont be enough for two. My “wife” will have to work till retirement, we will certainly want kids, and I cant support her fully in the midst of the labour, the child-bearing… it pains me to know that.
I want my wife to be happy… and I want my wife to work in whatever she pleases. I don’t want her to work just for the money, but I want her desires holds precedence. I had teachers who taught me in Damansara Utama who’s there just because they have nothing better to do at home, and they like to teach. Husband earns MORE than enough for everyone in the family. So even if the teacher’s pay is sucky, they don’t care. They like the job. I want to give my wife that kind of security and desire. I want my wife to work just because she wants to work, she has that passion for it. But when she too tired and wants to stop, I want to be ready whenever that she can actually does so… But with a pastor’s pay… I don’t think it’ll be enough.
Next I think of the kids… will they ever have enough on their plates, education, to live like happy children? I know for sure that there will come times that I will wish I had enough to bless my child with the good things he/she wants… but I wont be able to. I have countless friends who want to be doctors, want to save lives. They have sufficient grades for it, only not enough money. In the end they become… accountants, nurses, lawyers… they do alright… but from the very beginning… they just work because they couldn’t afford their dreams. And the KIDS will hate me for that.
God I know you will provide for me… grant me the strength and courage to know that you will provide for my family, if it is Your will for me to have one. Girls, I’m not out of the market, I’m just for certain tastes, and your earthly goals for me would have to be rather little. But this I solemnly swear with God as my Witness and Provider… that if we get married, I will lay my life down for you, and sacrifice whatever’s necessary for your happiness and the kids’ happiness. Because I will love you, and will try to love you as much as God for the Church.
Jesus I lay these as well as my life into Your hands and I pray that the burden in my heart for these thoughts would be relieved as they are or will be fulfilled.
Whatever You will in my life, O Lord, do what You wish… Amen.
