Sigh…
Sigh… Instead of reading through my notes one last time, or practicing past year papers, I sit in my new lazy chair (smaller, cheaper), thinking of what could be, might be, and what is.
I think this is a mid-year syndrome for me, because it happens every mid-year. Probably because by every mid-year, I would’ve experience enough new things to keep my mind pre-occupied for the rest of the year. Doors open and close, a new ball game comes by, changes occur, and here I am, just doing as I’m told to, without any personal contentment. Not to mention I HATE changes. Change in my life is like change in the battlefield. When all tactics and plans are done, the terrain change, or the condition change and that means things are back to uncertainty.
I feel like I’m supposed to do something else. That I shouldn’t be studying in university, or shouldn’t be in church, or shouldn’t possess thoughts of someone because I know it wont work; now or later. It sucks, because out of all the things I’m doing, nothing contents me. I’m restless; I’m tired of staying in one place, doing a routine thing. I feel like I should do something different, something impact-full not just in my life, but in others’ lives as well; and I can’t do that while being in uni, or in church or in BB even. I want to literally GO and make disciples of all nations. I want to encourage other Christians and introduce others to Christ. I want to impact the generation of today because I know unlike other generations; this one has a greater power to do something INCREDIBLE for God. Maybe that’s why I felt so fulfilled while I was in Doulos.
The thing is, as much as I loved being in Doulos, I know I won’t be able to live like that for long. As much as the experience is so different everyday and ever-changing, so is living in the ship. Everyday is something new in the routine. As much as I like that, I don’t want so much of it. Why? Because it makes having a wife so hard.
“Mark? Of all people thinking of having a wife? Mark?!” Forgive me for being not what I seem, but I know for sure that I can’t live for long as a single person. I don’t know… the thought of coming to an empty home; having a meal alone, doing my own laundry and not someone else’s as well…. to only talk to a wall about my problems… Now don’t get me wrong guys, as much as I love all of you and I’m around for any of you, I don’t expect you to hear all about my problems and days because you guys will have problems of your own and to most of you, I see you having your own spouse to take care and share with and just be with… and that’s what I want. It’s selfish, I know… because I know it’s hard to have a wife when you wanna work in church and not have a “comfortable” salary. It’s selfish to take someone to live a really humble life because we won’t have the amount to live lavishly. I mean, she might want to go far in life, fulfill her biggest dreams and desires. Plus, with the cost of living and traveling going up slowly… it’ll be hard.
That, I believe, is the biggest turn-off in history… to work in a church for God, thus forgoing all ideas of owning a nice car and house, nice things to wear, really nice food to eat… and the reward of all that, you gotta live with a just enough for a roof over your head, pay the bills and no risks allowed, due to the fact that I wont be able to afford the hospital bill if anything happens. While your friends and church members get to travel far and wide on vacations and trips; while for me, the next time I’ll be going overseas would probably be for a mission trip. Maybe a day or so to see the sights, but most of the time will be in an orphanage or an under-developed village. With that, North America ain’t in the list, as well as Europe,
Australia and developed nations of Africa and
Asia . This leaves the under-developed (and more-oftenly dangerous) parts of South East Asia, Asia, South Americas and poverty stricken parts of
Africa . Places where there are no five-star hotels but five-chicken hotel. Why chickens? Because chickens isn’t the class but the PRICE of staying there. And you know what the weirdest part is? I WANT THAT!! I WANT IT ALL!!
Now which girl is attracted to THAT?!
Sidetrack a bit: For me to get a date even is a bit hard. Hi, I’m Mark, and I’m a pastor’s kid. With that means, I cant lavish you with nice stuff, a humble life is ahead of me, and I DO wish to follow my dad’s footsteps of being a pastor, so this means I cant get all naughty and do whatever you and I might like, but good clean fun is all I can offer because the other stuff isn’t an option for me. Now, don’t you just love that or what?! Your parents will, but I’m into dating you, not your parents.
So by the sound of what I like and desire in the future, do I want to be a missionary? Maybe… I love helping people in their community, thus making an impact on their lives by showing that Jesus loves them. But before I get so bold, I either want to be a teacher, a pastor, a military servant or a community service worker. Sounds noble? Perhaps. Humble? Maybe. Limited quality of life? YOU BETCHA! And guess what? I can be better off in these careers… you guessed it… single. So if it’s hard to have a wife in these terms, what about kids? Can you imagine if I actually HAVE kids of my own? Now, don’t get me wrong, I love kids. But I think it’s better off for them if I don’t have them myself.
Now I know pastors kids are the most loved kids in the world (self-testimony). But the sacrifices some of the pastors kids have to make is rather hard. Cant have the latest stuff, or go out wherever and whenever they please… I bet now you’re thinking “But Mark, you don’t experience those things right?” That’s probably because before my dad was a pastor, he was a public university lecturer, so now he gets pension besides his church salary. Not to mention my mom is blessed with a job she’s good at and pays well. So yea, I can live a better life, for now. But for MY future? I don’t want to assume that I would be so blessed myself.
So the biggest problems for me is: I don’t know what God wants me to do and I don’t know if that lifestyle is stable enough to have a family of my own.
So what I want to do? I want to do something great for God, experience new things through Him everyday, but I also want to come home to a family of my own. The biggest problems for me is: I don’t know what God wants me to do and I don’t know if that lifestyle is stable enough to have a family of my own. Is it possible? Sure… but there’s sacrifice. So the real questions are: Which girl would be willing to sacrifice so much and what does God want me to do?
Sigh…
Hosanna! Hosanna!
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna! Hosanna!
Hosanna in the highest
Glory to God
In the highest forever
High and lifted up
Heaven and earth bow before You
My Lord
June 15th, 2007 at 3:15 am
Dude, you’re kinda starting to sound like… someone else I know. Look, I may not have been through life as a PK, but I kinda know what you’re talking about. I mean, I’ve not been one to have lotsa gadgets either. But at least you got people who love you, me included, and we will listen to your problems and stuff coz you listen to ours. I know what it’s like to want a wife, I’ve felt like that a lot lately… wonder why? Any way, as for the Missionary thing, don’t think girls are put off by that, I know a lot of girls who’d love to be married to a missionary, they’d get to visit so many countries, even though they might be staying in 5 chicken hotels. Chin up dude, no matter how bleak the future, God has his own plans, til He reveals them to you, just go along with what he HAS shown you. See you in BB dude. luv ya
Ian
June 16th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Hey mark, I normally don’t leave comments, but I can really relate to what u’re saying. Wow. It’s really something (especially with all that guy macho-ness u guys have) to be able to just truly admit what your struggles n feelings are. I really admire this. I can relate to what you say in that sense that we, at these age of living in the next decade of our lives (ie: 20-30 years old) have to make so many decisions, have anxiety about the future, be it relationships, career, direction, asking questions about our purpose in life etc. And I know that of course many, sad to say, MANY girls today only go out with guys who are “rich” - as they somehow think its “security”. But rest assured, trust God fully enough to know that the one he meant for you will complement you in so many ways, having the same vision n calling from God…n will love all these crazy travel adventures n uncertainties! And I don’t necessarily believe that for the type of life you want in the future, you have to be single. I guess the thing that has really worked for me lately, is to throw ALL my burdens to God: worries, anxiety, disappointments, fear.. and I repeat ALL, not some, but ALL.. and you’ll suddenly feel an unexplainable peace! =) In these times of waiting, seek God…make Him your first love… and in faith, I can Boldly say He will grant you the desires of Your Heart. =) Missin ya bro. With Blessings, Queen Glorie.