My Blog

Sigh… Instead of reading through my notes one last time, or practicing past year papers, I sit in my new lazy chair (smaller, cheaper), thinking of what could be, might be, and what is.

I think this is a mid-year syndrome for me, because it happens every mid-year. Probably because by every mid-year, I would’ve experience enough new things to keep my mind pre-occupied for the rest of the year. Doors open and close, a new ball game comes by, changes occur, and here I am, just doing as I’m told to, without any personal contentment. Not to mention I HATE changes. Change in my life is like change in the battlefield. When all tactics and plans are done, the terrain change, or the condition change and that means things are back to uncertainty.

I feel like I’m supposed to do something else. That I shouldn’t be studying in university, or shouldn’t be in church, or shouldn’t possess thoughts of someone because I know it wont work; now or later. It sucks, because out of all the things I’m doing, nothing contents me. I’m restless; I’m tired of staying in one place, doing a routine thing. I feel like I should do something different, something impact-full not just in my life, but in others’ lives as well; and I can’t do that while being in uni, or in church or in BB even. I want to literally GO and make disciples of all nations. I want to encourage other Christians and introduce others to Christ. I want to impact the generation of today because I know unlike other generations; this one has a greater power to do something INCREDIBLE for God. Maybe that’s why I felt so fulfilled while I was in Doulos.

The thing is, as much as I loved being in Doulos, I know I won’t be able to live like that for long. As much as the experience is so different everyday and ever-changing, so is living in the ship. Everyday is something new in the routine. As much as I like that, I don’t want so much of it. Why? Because it makes having a wife so hard.

“Mark? Of all people thinking of having a wife? Mark?!” Forgive me for being not what I seem, but I know for sure that I can’t live for long as a single person. I don’t know… the thought of coming to an empty home; having a meal alone, doing my own laundry and not someone else’s as well…. to only talk to a wall about my problems… Now don’t get me wrong guys, as much as I love all of you and I’m around for any of you, I don’t expect you to hear all about my problems and days because you guys will have problems of your own and to most of you, I see you having your own spouse to take care and share with and just be with… and that’s what I want. It’s selfish, I know… because I know it’s hard to have a wife when you wanna work in church and not have a “comfortable” salary. It’s selfish to take someone to live a really humble life because we won’t have the amount to live lavishly. I mean, she might want to go far in life, fulfill her biggest dreams and desires. Plus, with the cost of living and traveling going up slowly… it’ll be hard.

That, I believe, is the biggest turn-off in history… to work in a church for God, thus forgoing all ideas of owning a nice car and house, nice things to wear, really nice food to eat… and the reward of all that, you gotta live with a just enough for a roof over your head, pay the bills and no risks allowed, due to the fact that I wont be able to afford the hospital bill if anything happens. While your friends and church members get to travel far and wide on vacations and trips; while for me, the next time I’ll be going overseas would probably be for a mission trip. Maybe a day or so to see the sights, but most of the time will be in an orphanage or an under-developed village. With that, North America ain’t in the list, as well as Europe,

Australia

and developed nations of Africa and

Asia

. This leaves the under-developed (and more-oftenly dangerous) parts of South East Asia, Asia, South Americas and poverty stricken parts of

Africa

. Places where there are no five-star hotels but five-chicken hotel.  Why chickens? Because chickens isn’t the class but the PRICE of staying there. And you know what the weirdest part is? I WANT THAT!! I WANT IT ALL!!

Now which girl is attracted to THAT?!

Sidetrack a bit: For me to get a date even is a bit hard. Hi, I’m Mark, and I’m a pastor’s kid. With that means, I cant lavish you with nice stuff, a humble life is ahead of me, and I DO wish to follow my dad’s footsteps of being a pastor, so this means I cant get all naughty and do whatever you and I might like, but good clean fun is all I can offer because the other stuff isn’t an option for me. Now, don’t you just love that or what?! Your parents will, but I’m into dating you, not your parents.

So by the sound of what I like and desire in the future, do I want to be a missionary? Maybe… I love helping people in their community, thus making an impact on their lives by showing that Jesus loves them. But before I get so bold, I either want to be a teacher, a pastor, a military servant or a community service worker. Sounds noble? Perhaps. Humble? Maybe. Limited quality of life? YOU BETCHA! And guess what? I can be better off in these careers… you guessed it… single. So if it’s hard to have a wife in these terms, what about kids? Can you imagine if I actually HAVE kids of my own? Now, don’t get me wrong, I love kids. But I think it’s better off for them if I don’t have them myself.

Now I know pastors kids are the most loved kids in the world (self-testimony). But the sacrifices some of the pastors kids have to make is rather hard. Cant have the latest stuff, or go out wherever and whenever they please… I bet now you’re thinking “But Mark, you don’t experience those things right?” That’s probably because before my dad was a pastor, he was a public university lecturer, so now he gets pension besides his church salary. Not to mention my mom is blessed with a job she’s good at and pays well. So yea, I can live a better life, for now. But for MY future? I don’t want to assume that I would be so blessed myself.

So the biggest problems for me is: I don’t know what God wants me to do and I don’t know if that lifestyle is stable enough to have a family of my own.

So what I want to do? I want to do something great for God, experience new things through Him everyday, but I also want to come home to a family of my own. The biggest problems for me is: I don’t know what God wants me to do and I don’t know if that lifestyle is stable enough to have a family of my own. Is it possible? Sure… but there’s sacrifice. So the real questions are: Which girl would be willing to sacrifice so much and what does God want me to do?

Sigh…

Hosanna! Hosanna!

Hosanna in the highest

Hosanna! Hosanna!

Hosanna in the highest

Glory to God

In the highest forever

High and lifted up

Heaven and earth bow before You

My Lord

To those who expressed their concern for me from my last post, i just wanna thank you guys and gals so much. You might not hear this from me so often, cos it’s words i’m not so good in speaking, but I love you guys. You ppl mean a lot to me and i hope you know that.

You know it was so selfish of me to just want to run away from problems… but now we live in a world where exists problems that not only affects out own lives, but the lives of many. In our homes, our schools, our govt system, our nation, our world.

But the scariest of all is that it’s in our church, it’s in out families it’s in our lives. We tend to stand on our own when we should be standing with God’s mercy and love. Our continence should glow with God’s love but in the end we just tend to do things OUR way and not HIS way; which leads to disunity, which leads to individuality. You know some of us could be thinking that what we want to do is also God’s Will but it’s actually not? It’s so hard to make sure, because if it’s God’s Will, it’s a selfless Will, yet if it is, it’ll be your DESIRE.

If you think you’re that type of person, you’re not alone. And let me just warn you… it aint pretty. We need to get back to God, His love, His everlasting arms, His guidance, attain His wisdom, and glorify Him in the end of anything. Cos if it’s our own wants and desires and not His, then God won’t bless it. And you know wat happens if it isn’t wat God desires, and we do it without His blessing.

For tonight i just want to pray… I hope you pray and agree with me and if you do, comment an Amen with me if u can or want to.

Father, I just want to first thank you for being with us despite that we deny You and walked away from You. You are a God of compassion, and without your compassion how else can we stand? Without You, without Your sacrifice, Jesus, we’ll be forever lost in the epitome of darkness. So to Your selfless and incomprehensible faith and love, I lay myself prostrate at Your feet in thanksgiving and awe.

Father I want to pray for families. Not just nuclear families, O Lord, because in Your presence, God, that term does not exist. We are Your children, and You are our Father; therefore i pray for Your family oh God, that we may stay united despite our differences. God that we work your wonders as a family, as a whole body… not just a part, not just a system, but as a whole body; for we are your children, the church is Your wife. So let us be an example amongst others, testifying that YOU ALONE ARE GOD.

Father I pray to see clearer my purpose on this world. I understand we are made on this earth to praise You, to worship You without ceasing. But God, I want to do more. I want to have You take my life and use it for nothing else but to display Your love and guidance. God, that my mouth bring forth Your Word, that my hands bring forth Your work and comfort, that my feet will take me to wherever You want me to go… from rural to the congested, Father You put me where You want me to be. I can’t care anymore. I don’t need to care anymore, because all I care now God, is where You want me to do what, when and how. Why is not necessary, knowing that in the end, Your will, Your desire is fulfilled, that’s sufficient for me.

God that I may be content with You alone. Recently I’ve been having this desire to have a life partner. Someone who love You and doesn’t care where she ends up as long as it is Your desire. I wanted someone to “fulfill me”. But God I realize that if without You first, what’s the point of having a life partner without life? How can a person fulfill me, when I should be fulfilled for her.  So I just give this desire, this personal want to You; that only if it’s Your desire will I pursue. Only when You want me to and You think I’m ready, I’ll take up a wife and love her as You love me.

God, for my stability in life, I lay it all to You. I need not worry where my finance will come from, because You are the Great Provider, and You will care for Your children. Oh God I pray that men and women will take the leap of faith to not worry on where their next meal will come from. I pray that instead they will do what You desire and is pleasing unto You. I pray for a generation of self-less faith desiring and hungry to do GREAT things for You.

Jesus, we Love You… We say it in different tongues and different ways; through ways of service and giving and saying and praying and praising but it all boils down to one point only o God, and that’s WE LOVE YOU!! Be with us o God. Touch our generation and be with us as we walk Your path one step at a time. Holy Spirit, You be our light, and our guide through this life; that it may be a wholsome one, worthy to be living sacrifices and testimonies that will be like sweet incence at the altar of God.

This I pray in your name, Jesus.

Amen