My Blog

Aaaah… Finally was able to balik kampung and see my father’s family for a while. My dad’s side of the family heard of my trip onboard Doulos, so the first question they all ask isn’t "How are you?" but "How was it?" And for about 4 times i had to explain and share about my trip to them. They, even till now cannot understand why i would PAY TO WORK instead of work to be paid. Penang-lang lah….wat else to expect. But in the end they were mazed and i actually challenged em, including my 93yr old grandpa, to think about why would i dare to do so, and why wud i dare to do it again.

When in Penang, a must to do activity is to have a eating tour. I swear that i most likely put on a lot of weight after that trip, but golly it was so worth it. I dont want to tell where did i eat, but when i was there i ate a lot of stuff that penang is famous for, namely:

1. Assam Laksa
2. Kari Mee
3. Chee Cheong Fun
4. Kuay Teow Teng
5. Char Kuay Teow
6. Wan Tan Mee
7. Mee Jawa
8. REAL Penang Nasi Kandar
9. Curry Fish
10. Chendol                                           … and i can go on and on….

When going around eating these things, i manage to actually be able to see all de major landmarks of Penang, like Penang Road, Komtar, Kek Loh Si Temple, Pulau Tikus, Gurney Drive, Batu Feringghi, Etc. I love balik kampung.

When it was time to go back, normally i get really sad as every time could be the last time i see my gramps. Sure he’s healthy enough to take a bus to go to work at 93YRS OLD!!!(now u see where the passion comes from?), But he is getting old, and i dun get to see him often enough.

Now about the getting sad thing, I wasnt really that sad this time for two things:

1. I will see him again during CNY
2. I GOT TO DRIVE HOME

That’s right, my parents decided to test my driving inter-state and see if i am now experienced enough to drive inter-state. I drove for 3&1/2 hrs from Penang all the way to Tapah. Then I got tired because of all the times to make it difficult for me to drive, it had to be then. At the trickiest prt of the entire trip (around de hills from Taiping to Tapah), it had to rain. Not jus drops or drizzles. It RAINED BY THE BUCKETS. So after Tapah, dad took over. But all in all, they got to test both my speed and control of the car when it’s ok, and when weather was bad (Boy, was it bad).

So…. after considering i did well in that difficult stretch, my parents decided…. that I CAN NOW DRIVE INTERSTATE!!!!! HOW KEWL IS DAT.

Man, i cant wait till my next inter-state, i also cant wait to go for food tour all over again. So that got me thinkin… Anybody willing to join me in sightseeing, savouring and getting fat whilst touring all over penang? Seriously thinkin about it. Will see if Uni and school hols and paretns say can or not.

For those who got turned off from modern malaysian made movie because of Scenario or sum other stupid useless work by drunks, dun be fooled by the beautiful work of Director and writer, Yasmin Ahmad (Petronas Advertisements, Sepet, Sepet2:Gubra). "Sepet" and "Gubra" are movies with a mission… to show the TRUTH of what happens in this "tolerance-held multi-ethnic country".

They also show the short-comings of each major race in the country, particularly chinese and malays. How chinese got lot of gangsters and organized crime, family problem because of either work or unfaithful, and how all of em wud have a vengeful heart.

Malays ah… phoo-yoh… how they are also unfaithful, and the men treat women as if they’re just property, and wat makes it even more ironic, the women FORGIVE the men for cheating on them, lying to them, and simply show a good face only but the core is rotten.

It also shows the bitter truth of where our future generations are going, and where they might end up living. The only good part i noe is that our future generations will have cross-cultural marriages without the obligation of either spouse having to convert to Islam if the other spouse is one. But this also can potray tht they oso wont care abt any faith at all.

Watch the beautiful work of Yasmin Ahmad, and if u get the symbolisms in the movie, u get to see all de truths at work in the movie.

Yasmin, u rock (wo)man!!! And Nani (sharifah amani al yahya), u’re sucha beautiful and talented actress. Heart u lah.

You’ve become so beautiful, it seemed almost in a blink of an eye,
that yesterday that u were just somebody i noe, or i jus helped once in a while.
How ironic it wud seem, that only now that end of my time is nigh
that u suddenly became my reason to pray and live, with ur face being my lullabye.

O, how it aches to see me so far away in ur life,
that even ur daily things become so hard to share,
ur absence in my concerns, is a pain i cannot bear,
to think of u totally out of my life, i do not even dare.

Even if you open ur hand and let me into ur life, i dare not even touch your finger. I love u, sure. But, i dont know whether i am capable of holding onto u, when my future is not for certain. I could be here and could prob hold onto each other for say a year. But if i have to go overseas to further my studies what am i going to do?

It’s BECAUSE i love u, i dont go near u. It’s because i love you that you dont know who am i referring to. I hurt when u find more comfort in other guys, in another person’s company, or just having a lot of fun when i’m not around, and just having okay fun when i’m around. It just proves the impact i put into the atmosphere when i am with u.

I dont wanna love u. I want to hate u, i want to think that u are just nobody but a person i so happen to work with. Yet, the way u move, the way u make me laugh, the way that my day seem to get bright whenever u r around, or whenever u talk to me and smile. Oh, God….this feeling stinks.

I wanna reach for u and have u in my life> But u declare that no one is to go near u for a long time. Even though u seem to dress for someone and spend a lot of time with jus one person, u declared celibate. Haih… that is when i hurt the most. When i have to SEE all that in my eyes. but even if things were different, that by some chance that u like me now. I dun dare to reachout for u, because i dont wanna hurt u like u got hurt before, u dont want to be the one to shatter u like u were before. I never want to do that in my life, ever. I dun wanna get together with u just to break it up because i have to study, or i have to go somewhere.

The pain is back the medicine is different, and now i think the medicine is more of a drug for now. I’ll need it only later in life. Or by then, someone alredi has her and i have to go searching all over again.
Scheizer.
Dun get wat i’m saying… read my post abt riddles.

Sometimes i wonder whether is it time for me to perhaps concerntrate on another ministry.

Mark? No BB? Dats impossible!!!

Well, sometimes i feel that aside drill, there’s no longer anymore need for me to be there. The leaders seem to be able to handle things, the nooks and probs now is up to them to settle. within time, all probs can be solved without me.

"You have to quieten down, you need to let the others have the chance to be leaders like you." And i think it can be time to take this note seriously.

I need to pray. I feel so out of sync from the coy till i no longer know where shud i be or wat shud i be doing. Whether whatever i am doing is making an impact in the coy, and where is the impact?

My main concern now is whether am i still effective to the members. Am I just a scary looking Drill Sergeant that was blessed with a loudspeaker in my throat? Or am i also a person they can talk to and ask help from, both in BB and in their own lives. The Leaders now have probs of their own that it seems that it is "out of my league", and the younger members either speaks mandarin, or thinks i am gonna bite their head off the second they call me.

Maybe perhaps it’s because de majority of the time, the members call me about the things thatwere supposed to be either common knowledge or heard from the announcement the other week.

"Staff Sergeant, wat to wear this Saturday ah? "Stay back till wat time ah?" Get that from even forty percent of the members and you would be pissed as well. didi i sound pissed that when u want to talk to me abt probs, u get frightened? As much i wud like to help u in that, ur other peers ought to noe dat wat? Come to me once u searched high and low for the answer, or u do not wish to spread de question with just everyone.

My heart aches, no longer because i want God to move in the Company. I mean i still do want God to move in the Coy, but it’s no longer the reason that my heart aches. My heart aches now because i no longer know WHY am i going through this routine every week. Why am i bothering to wake up in the morning to do de same thing, jsut because it’s time to do it? i need a fresh start, a fresh goal. Either rekindle the reason again why am i doing this, or get a new one. The question is… wat is it?

So many questions, so little brain in my head to answer. Oh, God please pull me away from this pit of darkness and confusian, and lead me into your light.

Guys, please pray for me. I cant see whether i am making an impact or not, and if i am i cannot see it anymore.